It's a damn cold night...

Forgiving is love's toughest work, and love's biggest risk. To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.
いつか失ってしまうのかな。薄れてゆく笑顔と君を守りたい。
-- D-technolife

If fate is a wheel, then we are the sand that is crushed between the cogs.

Don't judge a life by one difficult season.

独自并不代表孤单，在一群人中狂笑着有时更寂寞。
-- 吴庆康

At times it may not even seem rational, but the heart has a computing ability that is far more accurate and far more precise than anything within the limits of rational thought.
-- Deepak Chopra
于是我让孤独更孤独，有一种不是悲伤的悲伤，才是刻骨铭心的悲伤。
Grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved as to love.
-- St Francis.
People's actions are influenced by their expectations. People respond not just to what is happening now, but to what they anticipate will happen in the future.
-- Sloman
不管你会不会忘了我，我只想告诉你一个秘密。
--《不能说的·秘密》

Every action generates a force of energy that returns to us in like kind.
-- Deepak Chopra

The furthest distance in the world is not between life and death but when I stand in front of you yet you don't know that I love you.
-- Tagore
Do do not worry about tomorrow; it will have enough worries of its own. There is no need to add to the troubles each day brings.
-- Matt 6:34

まだ不器用に笑うね まだ悲しみが似合うから
キミに降る痛みを 拭ってあげたい すべて I for you
-- I For You

the optimistic pessimist

supposedly an adult, she thinks like an adult (too much, if you ask me). deep inside, she is nothing but a little girl, with her little lofty dreams and ideals. and oops, she is breaking them, one by one.
more often than not, she is just an angsty emo kid.

she is only but
a passer-by,

an onlooker,
a walking shadow.

and this girl can't stop writing.

she stalks

|| cyn bea bao zou mel ||
|| joan weepz ||
|| blockc yeanching lehia kexi zhenlin horace alvin dina sandra becca tzehee ||
|| cruzteng peifen dasmondkoh ||
|| xiaozhu xiaogui sunxiezhi ashin kangyong ||
|| derrick jinglun stefsun natho lawrencewong ||
|| feliciachin joannepeh jeanetteaw sharonaw ||
|| xiaohan hyr chimkang mingde dannyyeo ||
|| xuyunling alvinology mrbrown esther ||
|| drbondar psychdigest ||
|| kfdrawing iwrotethisforyou thingsweforget ||

After all, what is in the past but what we choose to remember? They can choose not to hide it, to take what's broken, to feel the pain and know that it will heal. They know where happiness lies, not in a cave or a country, but in love and the freedom to give and take what has been there all along.
-- The Bonesetter's Daughter

she watches on

Others desire to experience the blessedness of giving, but we often frustrate them by refusing their help.


“你有心事吗？”
“或许有一天，我会告诉你吧。”
--《不能说的·秘密》

she holds on

　Memories were also a way of looking in a mirror, but it was a jagged mirror of broken glass, one that cast imperfect reflections. Like shards, these memories drew blood.

February 2003 March 2003 April 2003 May 2003 June 2003 July 2003 September 2003 October 2003 November 2003 December 2003 January 2004 February 2004 March 2004 April 2004 May 2004 June 2004 July 2004 August 2004 September 2004 October 2004 November 2004 December 2004 January 2005 February 2005 March 2005 April 2005 May 2005 June 2005 July 2005 August 2005 September 2005 October 2005 November 2005 December 2005 January 2006 February 2006 March 2006 April 2006 May 2006 June 2006 July 2006 August 2006 September 2006 October 2006 November 2006 December 2006 January 2007 February 2007 March 2007 April 2007 May 2007 June 2007 July 2007 August 2007 September 2007 October 2007 November 2007 December 2007 January 2008 February 2008 March 2008 April 2008 May 2008 June 2008 July 2008 August 2008 September 2008 October 2008 November 2008 December 2008 January 2009 February 2009 March 2009 April 2009 May 2009 June 2009 July 2009 August 2009 September 2009 October 2009 November 2009 December 2009 January 2010 February 2010 March 2010 April 2010 May 2010 June 2010 July 2010 August 2010 September 2010 October 2010 November 2010 December 2010 January 2011 February 2011 March 2011 April 2011 May 2011 June 2011 July 2011 August 2011 September 2011 October 2011 November 2011 January 2012 February 2012 April 2012 May 2012 June 2012 July 2012 August 2012 October 2012 November 2012 December 2012 January 2013 February 2013 March 2013 April 2013 May 2013 June 2013 July 2013 August 2013 September 2013 October 2013 November 2013 December 2013 January 2014 February 2014 March 2014 April 2014 May 2014 June 2014 July 2014 August 2014 September 2014 October 2014 November 2014 December 2014 January 2015 February 2015 March 2015 April 2015 May 2015 July 2015 September 2015 October 2015 November 2015 December 2015 January 2016 February 2016 March 2016 April 2016 May 2016 June 2016 August 2016 September 2016 October 2016 November 2016 December 2016 January 2017 February 2017 April 2017 May 2017 August 2017 September 2017 October 2017 November 2017 December 2017 January 2018 February 2018 April 2018 June 2018 July 2018 September 2018 October 2018 November 2018 December 2018 February 2019 April 2019 June 2019 August 2019 October 2019 December 2019 January 2020 February 2020 March 2020 April 2020 May 2020 July 2020 November 2020 February 2021 April 2021 July 2021 September 2021 November 2021 March 2022

she never gets

永远不会交的功课 || 永远不会实现的愿望

|| you ||

Responsibility means not blaming anyone or anything for your situation, including yourself... Whatever relationships you have attracted in your life at this moment are precisely the ones you need in your life at this moment. There is a hidden meaning behind all events, and this hidden meaning is serving your own evolution.
-- Deepak Chopra

she thanks

Designer : Wei Jun
Brushes : Deviantart - Spy Glass

I don't know, I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I'm a pair of eyes and ears, and I'm just trying to stay safe and make sense of what's happening. I know what to avoid, what to worry about.I'm like those kids who live with gunfire going off around them. I don't want pain. I don't want to die. I don't want to see other people around me die. But I don't have anything left inside me to figure out where I fit in or what I want. If I want anything, it's to know what's possible to want.
-- The Bonesetter's Daughter

Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.
Hebrews 11:1

Wednesday, July 30, 2008
withers away @ 5:36 pm

庆祝乔迁之喜！
luckily it didnt rain today or anyth lidat. but. HAHA. i was locked outside my rm though i could open the door. wah cheem huh.
the room was latched from inside.
ha. dun ask me how it happened. it just happened. so i had to go to the office after moving 20 bags of barang to outside my rm. the uncle was getting pretty frustrated too, coz the door cant be pried from outside (for obvious reasons, if not have latch for wad.), and he went off without saying a word and i was left alone outside with my 20 bags of barang. it was pretty hilarious really. hahaha.
later he came back with a hammer. yeah guess wad he did. he hammered my old latch off and replaced it with a new shiny one. haha i bet that must have disturbed everyone's slp. actually i wanted to laugh when he started hammering but of coz i suppressed it. hahah.
oh yes and i realized that my watch stopped!! and u noe i cant live without a watch. as in, i'll v automatically look at my wrist for the time. now gotta live without it for.. v long! ahhhh. and it stopped at 8.30am, which was when i was going to get out of house today! doinkk. so i wore a non functional watch, and gotta wear it back to get the batt changed. hahah.
anyway, my rm is laterally inverted frm my previous two rooms, so i got a little disoriented at first, like stretching my hand the wrong side to on the light. haha. then i went off with packing and all and i got real tired. first time im doing it all myself coz i decided to tell mum not to come along. and the pantry was still locked so i couldnt get water nor cook mee nor yeah wadeva. settled for water frm the tap in the toilet coz i was SO lazy to go to the lobby water cooler. HAHAH. first day in is always a mess. and it was a good decision to cut my nails ytd. hehe.
got tired and all, but couldnt stop my packing/unpacking just like this. den fishee to the rescue! haha she just lazed on my bed and we were just chatting. but its always pretty nice to chat with joey coz can just relax.. and she always seems to have stuff to say. so i dun have to make conversation deliberately.
after she went off to sab's rm to slp, i carried on with my packing/unpacking, and.. im not done yet!! hahah left a bit more lah.
(and i realize how different my tone is. wow. not only that, but also how casual it is. and wad lousy grammar.)

It's something Mystical

Monday, July 28, 2008
withers away @ 4:32 pm

pls ignore the following ranting. HA.
第四遍！！！真是疯子，但是我不管！敬请期待！

It's something Mystical

Sunday, July 27, 2008
withers away @ 6:37 pm

on a totally, totally different note.
derrick's album's coming out! HAHA i still rmbr how crazy i was over him after his rendition of 好想你. it was the first time i heard the song, and i was real touched. i still think he's v cute. boyish cute. HA.
random heh.

It's something Mystical

withers away @ 1:17 pm

接下来的这篇东西，断断续续的，因为只是很随意的，不必什么连贯。

我相信，只要情绪被挑起，就该把当下记录下来。对我这个记性差的人特别重要，因为这种感觉可能消纵即逝，尤其是对世界或生活上小事的小小感动，所以要赶紧在它消失前做个记录。看似伤感的，不必在意，只是记录而已。
很喜欢这样很有想法的自己，因为这代表我有时间思考，有时间写作。写东西的感觉很舒服，但随心所欲地写作已经成为一种奢侈。当然，我并不是真的那么没时间，但是写作需要灵感，需要激发，而至少对我而言，灵感和时间往往不是好朋友。

人生像拔河这个比喻已经不新鲜了。一边一直拉，一边一直挣脱，而常常，越拉就越想挣脱。牛顿第三定律已经告诉我们，两个物体间的作用力和反作用力总是大小相等，方向相反(Newton's Third Law: An action is always equals in magnitude to its reaction, in the opposite direction. dun ask. i've got no idea myself how i came up with this.)，这是自然规律。人生的一切，不就是每一个一拉一扯组成的吗？平衡存在吗？物体间的平衡不难找，但人的情感又如何？在各种方面，我找了一辈子，还是找不到，好像一直在拉扯的隙缝间苟活。对于收放这学问，有时觉得，累了。

第一次特地去找首广东歌曲，去看它的词。很多人批评他做国语专辑没有诚意，一直拿他广东大碟的歌曲去翻译，但是我真的感谢翻了这首。现在才看见可能有点晚，但总好过始终没看见。当然，了解这首比了解华语那首更难，但还是愿意花时间慢慢地看。跟华语的一样，看似浅白，但词义很深。不妨做对照哦。
富士山下。词，还是林夕的。

拦路雨偏似雪花饮泣的你冻吗
这风褛我给你磨到有襟花
连调了职也不怕怎么始终牵挂
苦心选中今天想车你回家

原谅我不再送花伤口应要结疤
花瓣铺满心里坟场才害怕
如若你非我不嫁彼此终必火化
一生一世等一天需要代价

谁都只得那双手靠拥抱亦难任你拥有
要拥有必先懂失去怎接受
曾沿着雪路浪游为何为好事泪流
谁能凭爱意要富士山私有

何不把悲哀感觉假设是来自你虚构
试管里找不到它染污眼眸
前尘硬化像石头随缘地抛下便逃走
我绝不罕有往街里绕过一周我便化乌有

情人节不要说穿只敢抚你发端
这种姿态可会令你更心酸
留在汽车里取暖应该怎么规劝
怎么可以将手腕忍痛划损

人活到几岁算短失恋只有更短
归家需要几里路谁能预算
忘掉我跟你恩怨樱花开了几转
东京之旅一早比一世遥远

靠拥抱亦难为你拥有
你还嫌不够
我把这陈年风褛送赠你解咒

It's something Mystical

Friday, July 25, 2008
withers away @ 5:20 pm

got a few days before i move back to hall. somehow, it feels like i didnt do anything these three months. shoots. feel so bad. like i didnt take care of myself. haiz.


听了星光三徐佳莹的诠释，终于深深了解陈奕迅的厉害。比起佳莹的演唱，我喜欢陈奕迅的太多了。他有的不是像张惠妹那种大气的声音张力。反而，他流于平静。感情不必很澎湃，比起其它歌手甚至有些平淡，但是带出某种味道，某种能够感动人心的味道。
林夕的词。还是两个字。厉害。一听就被吸引，因为歌词的深度。坦白说，这个词我捉摸了很久才真正有些领悟。唱了好多遍，听了很多次，其实到现在还不知道是否有完全了解林夕想表达的意思。运用的词汇不是很深奥，但是词语的搭配新鲜，总之就是看似浅白易懂，但是仔细咀嚼会有深刻的体会。历练多了，自然会更了解吧。很漂亮的词。

爱情转移 - 陈奕迅
徘徊过多少橱窗住过多少旅馆
才会觉得分离也并不冤枉
感情是用来浏览还是用来珍藏
好让日子天天都过得难忘

熬过了多久患难湿了多长眼眶
才能知道伤感是爱的遗产
流浪几张双人床换过几次信仰
才让戒指义无反顾的交换

把一个人的温暖转移到另一个的胸膛
让上次犯的错反省出梦想
每个人都是这样享受过提心吊胆
才拒绝做爱情待罪的羔羊

回忆是捉不到的月光握紧就变黑暗
让虚假的背影消失于晴朗
阳光在身上流转等所有业障被原谅
爱情不停站想开往地老天荒需要多勇敢

烛光照亮了晚餐照不出个答案
恋爱不是温馨的请客吃饭
床单上铺满花瓣拥抱让它成长
太拥挤就开到了别的土壤

感情需要人接班接近换来期望
期望带来失望的恶性循环
短暂的总是浪漫漫长总会不满
烧完美好青春换一个老伴

你不要失望
荡气回肠是为了最美的平凡

It's something Mystical

Thursday, July 24, 2008
withers away @ 11:23 pm

i spent 16 bucks, not only to listen to an ensemble, but also to buy memories.
i watched them, and i felt proud. sorry this may sound really ego, but i feel that we, meaning my batch of 04/05, left them a legacy. a legacy indeed, which they continued. frm our gold, to gwh, to concert, to distinction in uk music exams, to esplanade. they've grown. i see what is meant by 青出于蓝而胜于蓝。and im proud, because we, 04/05, made it possible. we made ppl notice us. and finally, they think that we can be something.
it wasnt difficult to tell how much they rehearsed, from how they shifted their positions between songs, how they placed their hands to indicate that they were ready, to how they felt the music and moved their heads in sync with the melody. they've come a pretty long way.
and of coz, the alumni. HAHA. rf, aka act seh. shiwei. sanjay. wenhao. florentina. ian. amazing how u still rmbr ppl's names when u havent talked to them or abt them for years. act seh was still acting seh. shiwei was still playing his vv fast fingering stuff (the same piece which he screwed up last time!!). sanjay was still playing like he was in his own world. wenhao was still having the same expression. florentina was still smiling away. ian was still looking confident.
looking at all that brought back many memories. i wouldnt say they were all good memories, but look at how they stick to the mind. all the time and effort spent wasnt for nought. many many images replay in my mind. nice memory bank i have, for sentimental and nostalgic stuff. love it, but not when it comes to work.
all this, makes me forget temporarily, about things that totally suck. KNS LAH.

It's something Mystical

Saturday, July 19, 2008
withers away @ 12:55 pm

oh yes i need to wear traditional costume on mon coz its racial harmony day. we only got to know that ytd. doink. i DON'T OWN ONE. HOW?? anyone can lend?

It's something Mystical

withers away @ 12:04 am

pei xian charles and i worked till we got chased out of the staff rm. third day in a row. by the time all of us reach home our brains are pretty much fried. but still, coz of our stress, we still have many funny moments. yu heng was telling michelle this joke abt translation, but coz his voice was loud enough so all of us could hear. its abt this person who said "你有没有房间？" when he meant "do u have room (as in space)?". cant rmbr the context le. den he went on to say smth abt safety belts being 安全套, and michelle was like WHAT its not 安全套 lah its 安全带!! 安全套 is condom lah!! and this is when px charles and i were working hard on our proj, and px was trying to rephrase some sentence, so she was trying to surpress her laughter while saying the sentence aloud. den all of us just laughed like crazy. yes yes that's teachers behind the scenes for u.
on a totally different note. pulled this idea off frm nat ho's blog. this idea is cool. there're two truths - yours and mine. you believe what you want to believe as the truth, and i continue to believe in what i want to believe as the truth. i shouldn't be trying to affect what your truth is. and we all, in one way or another, try to affect each other's truths, no? we want to protect our own truth, yet try to infiltrate others' truths. shucks. what should you affect, and what shouldn't you? what should you care, and what shouldn't you? what should you bother, and what shouldn't you?
and what's with 伤感的歌词搭配轻快的旋律？歌曲过门就会给人种错觉，若听不懂歌词那更会误会，好像我听SID一样。what an oxymoron. 把两个极端凑在一起的用法，文字方面的，我早就可以体会其中意思；词曲方面，是最近才有些领悟。有种想法，可能，越轻快的旋律，更能带出那悲伤吧？这跟笑着哭的道理差不多吧？
阿信的词，我也还蛮喜欢的。
你说别太难过，保持联络，有空的时候。

It's something Mystical

Thursday, July 17, 2008
withers away @ 9:31 pm

today's students seem to be all in a bad mood or smth. dunno. sat in charles' class coz he sat in mine and we were giving each other suggestions. his class got restless towards the end. im glad i got a chance to interact with NT students during the attachment. not many times, but quite a fair bit. actually they are ok ppl, just that they learn at a slower pace, so u gotta be much more patient with them and explain. i find myself v naturally becoming more casual with how i talk with them one-on-one. i guess im v much used to talking the same way the other party talks. michelle was fuming with her class, and two boys end up having to write apology letters to her. yu heng was standing outside the class taking shots of her while charles and i were laughing behind him. this guy was like taking candid shots these days lah. and i totally didn't notice when he took mine. doink.
highlight of the day? mr james tan. wow he's really one teacher who goes down to ur lvl and talks to u. can u imagine we actually talked for 2hrs? we were all chatting over lunch, until the lights went out, and the canteen closed. wow. he said stuff all the way frm his teaching to how he looks at his life to his courtship to his marriage to the eduation sys and so on. he was going on and on. and it was all v casual, esp when he talks in the absolute singlish way, complete with all the hokkien wah laos and siao liao lah and wad have u.
gained more insights abt the system and all. really cool when u start hearing things frm the teachers' pov. v real things which i nv knew existed. and he was telling us his passion in phy and maths (and yes i told him i HATE phy), and how he's persuing two postgrad degrees now, with outside stuff as well, on top of all his teaching. and then yu heng popped this qn, which i nv expected.
he asked him if his wife supported him in all this. and out comes his marriage life with his wife. im seeing and hearing alot these days, and then i came to a conclusion that hey marriage is difficult. its not that difficult to mention divorce afterall. (wah new phase huh. last time learn about bgr now advance to marriage. IM GETTING OLD.) but neither is it that easy to execute it. it just takes smth to make it or break it. at that very moment, if u can do smth right, things turn for the better. if u do smth wrong, u might think i will say that's it. but reality says that, that's not it. so wad makes ppl hold on when its already apart? so many other things come into play. i think im seeing marriage in a different light from before. really.
then i think charles asked him how he met his wife. tada courtship process. its really damn funny. and they have alot of yuan fen. he caught eye on her during a beauty pageant in nus. but that's all. den saw her again at some nie seminar or wad a few yrs later and had an embarrassing moment. said hi and didnt ask for no. he was cursing himself when after weeks, they met again unexpectedly in betw some lesson for nie. unexpected coz he's in sci and she's in arts so they actually have lessons on diff days. den tada. haha. damn funny.
he said smth that struck me. "im doing alot of things now. actually if u ask me wad i want in life, i dunno. i really dunno. (i liked the honesty.) but i like kids. whether they're big kids or small kids. i cant say wad i'll do in 2 or 3 yrs times. but i like wad im doing now. im taking 2 degrees now, i might not be using them in future, but i like it. just take your time. to noe wad u want to do, it takes time. u are still young. go try. then u will find wad u want."
well well. oh yeah. i cut myself again. wad's wrong huh. doink.
残酷月光

It's something Mystical

Tuesday, July 15, 2008
withers away @ 10:39 pm

why is everyone falling sick? the heaty season? doink. and i had to cut myself twice. doink. oh but i survived my first driving trip alone. hee.
pray that i'll survive my first lesson tml also k? my first lesson ppt, my first lesson with a teacher watching. hopefully nothing goes wrong.

It's something Mystical

withers away @ 12:05 am

when i was observing a sec 1 bio lab session today and walking around to point out mistakes and stuff, my conversation with this girl got on to smth abt me doing smth like this when i was a student (when i was a sec sch student techically speaking, since i AM a student. this double identity thing is sandwiching us. totally.) that resulted in her asking me how old i am. i sorta reluctantly told her, and she instinctively went "oh so old!" den i was like "well.... yeah.."
i didnt realize why exactly did she say that im old, until charles told me that hey, he's like 10 years older than them. then i went uhhuh, so that's why... i never thought that they are only 13. much as we keep saying that "they're only sec 1s they wun understand *blah*..." during our proj discussions (our proj is targeted at lower sec kids. yes i call them kids.), it never did occur to me that they are THAT young.
well. i havent grown up, and i've grown up. so what now?
do work loh. BLEAH.

It's something Mystical

Wednesday, July 09, 2008
withers away @ 9:46 pm

"eh cher, thanks ah i learnt a lot today."
that made my day. 每天加班累死后，还是继续做下去的动力不就是这个吗？i mean, students who just say this may not know how much it means to us, but those who stay in the profession probably live on those moments. this is where the small things are the ones that matter, no?
but yes, big things do come, with a shot and with a bang. and yes, no escape.

It's something Mystical

Monday, July 07, 2008
withers away @ 10:02 pm

nakatsu is a sad character really. the way he's always in his own world being so funny. but that's exactly the sad part. HIYA. bleah. all too familiar, no? best friends.
the sch's cool man. laptops for everyone! free meals for a whole year! HAHA completely no budget at all. love the culture of the sch, to see those expressions on their faces when they have so much fun and freedom. the times u spent together, they don't just disappear. no matter what happens, they all add up, and never minus off. to have fun with the kids, that's what an educator should be.
what hurts the most... watching you walk away...

It's something Mystical

Saturday, July 05, 2008
withers away @ 5:38 pm

cher is tired. worn out. of coz cher expected it to be tiring, but maybe not to this extent. cher has her schedule packed everyday for 10 to 11 hours straight. cher has many materials to read and digest. cher fights to keep awake while certain heads of dept talks to them. cher fights to keep her stomach a little quieter when some dialogue is going on. holidays do not exist for cher. ahhh what has cher gotten herself into? another proj work! though cher has to admit she got a little excited when we looked more in depth into the pw, cher starts to doubt if it'll make any change to a student. frameworks and acronyms do not appeal to cher. but cher has to look at them all the time! yahooo to cher.
whatever it is, cher still thinks it's her fault. cher shouldnt have assumed. cher doesnt noe wad made her assume, really. and now, nothing else can be done, except to sigh. haiz. cher v sad now.
flames to dust.

It's something Mystical